Migraine, Your Gain

Michele Bachmann announced earlier in the week that she suffers from debilitating migraine headaches. Not to worry, she quickly adds... "I'm prescribed medication that I take on occasion whenever symptoms arise and they keep my migraines under control, but I'd like to be abundantly clear, my ability to function effectively … will not affect my ability to serve as commander-in-chief." She continues, "As a matter of fact, I function most effectively when I'm functioning ineffectively." 

Her husband chimed in, lisping, "You tell them, sssissster!"

There is another theory that the headaches are caused by divine wrath, claiming Mrs. Bachmann knowingly married a man struggling with homosexuality. Marcus Bachmann, seen here dancing, is a counselor that offers hope to gays through reparative therapy. Bachmann has previously denied that he's gay, saying "just because I may have gay tendencies and I work hands on with desperate men struggling with homosexuality daily, that doesn't make me gay." The interview was cut short, as Mr. Bachmann's favorite show was on the Oprah Winfrey Network. 

Mr. Bachmann is also the president of  "Interior Designers for Christ" and "Fall on Your Knees for Jesus." 

"Marcus is the sssstraightessssst man I know, and I know him very, very well," says a source close to the Bachmann family, vehemently defending Mr. Bachmann's sexuality, "We have sssslumber partiessss every weekend, and we're practically attached at the hip. We go ssssshopping together all the time, too!"

Richard Simmons, prominent fitness instructor and flaming pillow-biter, commented on Mr. Bachmann's sexuality saying, "Damn... I feel straight."

Michele Bachmann has personally objected to the theory, insisting that she was born with the headaches and that it can't be changed. "The best I can do," Bachmann added, "is put my faith in God, and trust that he will cure me." Prayer circles spontaneously arouse afterwards, though Jesus has yet to respond. 

Mr. Bachmann was unavailable for comments, as he was shopping for new drapes.